Last night, I saw a brief sampling of some of the more erotic pictures from Thursday's shoot and now I'm even more anticipate to receive all of the pictures in fold. I really pushed myself during this shoot, as to things I would normally do/not do. I wanted to see where my boundaries lied, and see where my weaknesses are. I learned an incredible lot about myself, who I am, and about modeling in general.

Alternative modeling is more like acting. Playing different characters, each moment of their lives, frozen in time. It's funny, the photographer remarked how the camera visibly shows when I stopped playing the character, looked blank, or even nervous that we might be caught while I was wearing little more than a black cloak.

Somethings I did, I will never do again. Some of the pictures, and things he asked me to do for them, are just not who I am, and I will never push myself to do those things again. I hate those particular pictures of myself and I hope they never see the light of day. I looked at them, and felt trashy, nasty, filthy, and I wished I could take my heart out and dump it into a vat of degreaser. But the purpose of the shoot was to push me as far as I could, and I really wanted to see what I was capable of, and how open I was.

I also learned that the human body is an incredibly beautiful thing, and the nude form doesn't always have to be sexual. It can be artful, enchanting, and beautiful. Some of the pictures are such portraits of the soul that it's enchanting.

In a sense, Thursday, I bared my entire soul to the camera. I made myself vulnerable. Perhaps that's why I look so terribly frightened in some of the shots. Because I know that the entire world is looking in on a pathetic, nineteen year-old gay boy for who he really is, and not the strong, bratty, giddy man he pretends to be.

-SS

ps. Chris, you rock my world and spin me around.

PPS. Love to Dozy, and Izzy.